KOTCT
Castle Courtyard => Liar's Bench aka... Pickle Barrel => Topic started by: Humpybong on September 04, 2013, 11:29:08 PM
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 each, so I went home and got one off the web
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;D ;D the last one I didn't get ???
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Barry must have missed some of the last one, when he cut and pasted.
tack this on the end..... "$70 each, so I went home and got one off the web."
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Oops....should not have had that last scotch.....try these then:
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says, well "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had
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;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D I like the one about the Labrador. ;D
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and here are a few more.........
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5 p's and 10 p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours - believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern...
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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;D ;D ;D Nothing like a little hummer to start the day off. ;D ;D
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Another one for a laugh today:
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
;D
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And another one:
(http://i59.tinypic.com/24eytg4.jpg)
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That one has done the rounds on the net. Still love it though. :)
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HOW ABOUT THIS ONE THEN:
WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY............
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers
funeral, a voice from inside screams, "I'm not dead. I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."
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I got a good laugh. Thanks. :)
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;D ;D the last one I didn't get ???
21/2 years later and I get it. ;D ;D As my daddy would say, Son you are just a little slow minded. ;D
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I LOVE THESE WORDS OF WISDOM AND PLAY ON WORDS---MAKES THE DAYS GO BETTER.................
WHEN IN DOUBT---ASK YOUR WIFE!
WOMAN ASK MILKMAN FOR ENOUGH MILK TO BATHE IN...........HE ASKS HER IF SHE WANTS IT PASTURISED.....NO SHE REPLIED JUST UP TO MY BRESTS...
YOUR BARD---THE TEMPLAR