KOTCT
Castle Courtyard => Liar's Bench aka... Pickle Barrel => Topic started by: Triggersmob on February 29, 2008, 01:32:34 PM
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To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Holden Monaro's are also approved.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon.
Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,
and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips
are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews
of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar bodyarmour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen. Only He can.
John Cleese
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Great!!!!
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Who's John Cleese?
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Basil Fawlty
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Oh heavens, that's hilarious. I love it! Except the Aluminum part. ;) I've kept that argument running for years now. :D
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And whilst you are at it please convert them to the British Pound so they do not see how fast they are falling against the cando ;D
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Speaking of the British Pound, just how in the_____ or what in the_____ keeps their value above the rest of the world and at such a level. The Brits have something hidden away over there the rest of the world doesn't have? I can understand differences but...? ::)
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The dollar fell of my computer screen today
The british pound fell of my computer screen today
What am I missing except gold is 992 dollars and silver is vertical up :)
(http://www.knightsofthecointable.com/kotctgallery/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=2080&g2_serialNumber=1)
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A twelve months comparison dollar pound versus euro does show they are both in the same nosedive
(http://www.knightsofthecointable.com/kotctgallery/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=2083&g2_serialNumber=1)
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I got the spelling convention down, it was how I learned to spell, favour instead of favor, honour instead of honor etc. I have been corrected on papers I have turned in, only to have to explain that I spelled correctly, it is just not USA English.
BTW we are getting roundabouts on many of the major roads here, I like them. But my wife hates them. Somehow my state determined through a study that traffic flows continuously and more safely with roundabouts, and no four way stops. So on all newly constructed motorway exits whence they come to an intersection the intersection is a roundabout now.
And I do have tea time, was a habit long in my family, despite not being Anglish.
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I hate roundabouts >:(
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I hate roundabouts >:(
Belgium has a roundabout at nearly every quarter mile
They are safer
They also provide money to contractors with or without kickback to the authorising instance
They also are perfect places to put a sculpture in the middle by an artist with or without connections to the town council
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They're not safer here in Missouri where 70% of people don't understand how they work ;D
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Teach them the road rules Adam.
regards,
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Round a bouts are coming to Indiana at this time which should be confusing as we currently have thousands of drivers who can't drive on our mess-a-bouts now! They are currently building new interstate bridges and ramps down the road for the new Honda complex that only an educated idiot could have come up with. You have to see this one to believe it! It defies any type of logic and takes acres and acres of land that was NOT necessary but it was very good for the contractors and property owners who are involved!!! About 12 million worth of good!
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One comment about Soccer, what you call football. I can honestly say that never in the history of U.S. Football, has there ever been the urge to storm the field with the expressed purpose of killing the opposing teams fans. God save us from this type of civilization. ;D
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I can honestly say that never in the history of U.S. Football, has there ever been the urge to storm the field with the expressed purpose of killing the opposing teams fans.
I see you've never been to a Cheifs vs Raiders game? Just kidding, its a pretty freindly rivalry. I've seen alot fights at Cardinals vs Cubs baseball games though. Still, nothing like in soccer where the fans actually form small armies.
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I love ye old roundabouts. I find that they do help the traffic flow. The only problem is drivers who hessiate and hold up the flow. I once waited behind a car for four minutes before the driver moved off. There were around 10 times where it was clear to go. The other factor is that with he sudden change of change of tyre (tire) direction, the front tyres seem to wear more quickly.
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LOL. Good one Olddan!
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They are actually thinking of putting in a roundabout where I live to ease the congestion from the Timmy Ho's (Tim Hortons Donut shop for the uninitiate), which has cause traffic delays because you coffee drinkers (You know who you are!!!), always have to get in the way in the morning with that vile drink through the drive thru.
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Front page story (regional newspaper) just yesterday was about a study done regarding roundabouts, which are relatively new to western Colorado.
The study showed 70 percent fewer accidents. The story also noted that a lot of people don't care for them.
:) :) :) :)
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Should be compulsory at every intersection that vehicles use ??? ???
Even here in the back-blocks of Queensland, dirt roads and all.
regards,
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I can remember my father telling folks who asked, years ago, how long it would take to get from our little town to Greensburg. He would always answer "about 3 beers!" The real funny part was the fact NO one ever questioned his answer. I guess everyone knew how long it took to drink 3 beers? ;D
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The study showed 70 percent fewer accidents. The story also noted that a lot of people don't care for them.
If there are fewer accidents, how are the Auto body places going to stay in business? How about the parts suppliers, insurance adjusters? More accidents, better for the economy.