Personal Ad in the Denver Post
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Denver night before last.
Date: 2009-04-25, 1:43 AM MST
I was the guy with
the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over,
shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.I hope you
somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't
expect you to shit in your pants when I drew my pistol after
you took my jacket.
Truth is, I was
wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't
that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that
Kimber Model 1911 .45 APC pistol for Christmas, and we
had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that
evening.
Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head,
isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal
of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with
that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes,
cellphone and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up
any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us
again.
I took the
liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her
listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I
also bought myself and four other people in the gas station
this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card.. The
guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was
extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes
to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's,
along with all of the cash in your
wallet.
I threw the wallet in
a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I
broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers
side.
I called a bunch of phone
sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your bill in
case you'd like to know which ones. Verizon just shut
down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over
a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope
the haven't permanently cut off your
service.
I could only get in
two threatening phone calls to the DA 's office
and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really
pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the
number).
I'd also like
to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk
back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your
choice of path in life. Next time you might not be
so lucky.
Alex
P.S. Remember
this motto.......an armed society is a
polite society!
