This one does the rounds from time to time. It always brings a smile to my dial.
SALFORD CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying by the
end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Salford , you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry
Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Albert Park Show in
Salford.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Oldham
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 999. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain
Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2-- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am
definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment.
(I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1-- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.
Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
